PIECES OF ME

Today I have ventured out and become a blogger. Figured it's an easy inexpensive way of venting not to mention keeping people caught up. Maybe others will learn something from my mistakes/journeys/daily battles. Or better yet offer advice or constructive criticism for me to learn from. I feel like I am struggling with this balancing act I currently call my life. Marriage, 17 & 9 year old BOYS, full time office manager, little league sports, extended family and all their opinions.....people this list could go on and on.

If you are family or a close friend you know that our oldest son Kyle is not living at home with us. He became involved with drugs and made some life altering decisions that he now is paying for. He is about to be 18 in January. He has been given a second chance with the juvenile program he is in. He's still a kid that wants to act out to authority and thinks he knows better than everyone else around him. I honestly don't know many boys that age that don't act the very same way and even some grown men (attend a little league sporting event) especially when they don't get their way. He's now being forced to grow up and quickly! He let the most memorable times of his youth slip away and as a parent that breaks my heart. Meaning missing out on High School days, driving, playing sports, girlfriends, proms, dances, parties and graduating with his friends. All of these things are meaningless especially if he would have ended up dead in a ditch somewhere due to drugs and violence that could have followed.

Understand I try to count my blessings instead of always seeing the bad in the situation. It's just incredibly hard sometimes. It's natural to want your kids to succeed. To want them to feel important and watch them achieve their goals. I just wish I could stress to him the importance of finishing this program so he can be back with the family. He has had several bumps along the way even in this program. Believe me, it's NOT just Kyle with the bumps in the road although at times it seems he has given up on himself and that feeling alone kills me as his mother. I'm almost at a loss of words because I have no idea how to reach out to him other than all the phone calls, having people write him, my lengthy letters, sending encouraging cards, books, pictures and anything else they will allow him to have. We visit 2-3 weekends a month. As often as we can. He is only allowed limited people. So aunts, uncles, cousins & most friends have not seen him in over a year. During a visit we usually get 3 full hours. We make the most of it and fill our family time with card games, chess, slap jack (personal favorite of Cameron) & UNO.

I always find an encouraging thing to say or remind him how deeply he is missed and loved by SO MANY! I try to stay strong not just for Kyle but for my youngest Cameron too. Cameron is about to turn 10 in 2010. WOW. *That was strange to type* He too has had his little world tilted actually turned completely upside down!! He often cries and talks about missing his big brother. It usually happens before bed and I will be in the living room and hear him crying. You tell me how you stay strong during those conversations when all you want to do is break down and cry or throw up. I do what comes natural to me. Allow tears to fall, holding Cameron tightly allowing him to let out his feelings and frustrations. Rubbing his soft cheeks and looking into those beautiful brown eyes (also filled with tears). You really start to feel like a failure and catch yourself wondering where you went wrong as a parent, could I have changed something along the way that would have saved him from this? What can you do to make it better? What if this and what if that are constantly running through your head. Then you deal with stuff like~ How do I prevent Cameron from not going down a similar road in his future or how do I keep the balance between being a mother for Cameron now and a mother for Kyle away. It's hard to focus sometimes because one requires so much more with attorneys, counselors, daily updates, fears of what he is doing, fears of what he is not doing etc. Cameron is very active in school, sports and his friends. No different than Kyle was at that age. Cameron needs/deserves undivided attention and parenting too. Then the guilt comes of will Kyle feel left out? Will he think I don't love his as much cause our lives are still continuing on without him home?

I tell you I fret about all the pictures where Kyle's face is not present not to mention all the events he's been absent from. The holidays seem to be the worst. Not just on my but our whole family. People are afraid to talk to me in fear they will hurt my feelings or maybe they just don't know what to say. It's endless what I deal with emotionally. There again I should be happy I still have two boys ALIVE & HEALTHY to be so concerned with. That's a blessing. Somehow I am still married!!! Another blessing :) See, I am trying to keep my focus more positive. It's a daily challenge and I will prevail. WE WILL PREVAIL AS A FAMILY!! I know there is a much deeper message in all this. I know there is a lesson we are all suppose to gain out of this but for the life of me, I have not been able to put my finger on it. Everyone says "things happen for a reason". I guess it's all in God's timing and out of my control. I believe we as a family are deserving of better things. I believe my boys are capable of ANYTHING and will become stronger from their experiences. Keeping that in mind, please do not think my blog will always be depressing and full of sadness.

There is so much out there ~ we have yet to skim the surface!