LETTER FROM KYLE

Saturday I received a letter from Kyle. I will give you a short version of it~
Momma,
I'm sorry I have not called or written in such a long time. I really can't express to you the way I am feeling. I wake up every morning felling like a failure. I failed my family, failed my friends and I've failed myself. I feel like I have no hope for the future any more, like all things are lost for me. I've gone too long pretending to be ok with being away from my loved ones. * there are parts where he is very angry that I will not share * I am an emotional mess. It's like the only things I feel now are anger and sorrow. I'm just to the point I'm starting to lose hope. My intentions of writing you this letter were not to hurt you or make you cry. I just don't want you to think I forgot about you. I love you. I am sorry I ever put you through all this shit and caused you so much pain, you did nothing to deserve it. Your the best mom a kid could ever ask for I just blew it. I love you - KYLE KING
please don't come this weekend.

***********MY RESPONSE***********

This has bothered me all weekend. Just knowing your child is in so much pain is excruciating in itself. I cried the majority of the day Saturday after reading the letter. I had planned to drive to see Kyle and take Mike & Cameron too. Despite my better judgment I respected his wishes. We did not go for the visit. It's been a few weeks since I have seen Kyle. I think it was my birthday weekend to be honest. He's asked us not to come. It's like he is punishing himself but what he does not understand is it's punishing us as well. I hate to tell him that because the last thing I want is to hurt him more. I feel stuck and helpless. I'm his mother and the very least I should do is try to make him happy. I can hardly type this my eyes are filled with tears. I am so hurt that I wish I could find comfort myself. I wrote him a letter last night. I tried everything humanly possible to get the point across to him that he is NOT A FAILURE. He's had a minor setback in his life. I also said that I don't believe mistakes make people into failures it's when we don't learn from those mistakes that we fail ourselves. I believe this and I want him to as well. I wish I had the perfect words that would speak to him. I say the same things over and over to him in hopes he understands and takes something more from it than just words on paper. I can't bare the thought of him giving up on himself. I am at a loss and wishing I knew what more I could do other than sending letters and cards almost daily. My heart breaks for him. It honestly does.

I did a little shopping for him so he would not feel left out this Christmas. I got him a few large books of puzzles and mind games. He requested something like that already. I also got him 2 more books. One by Dean Koonts the author he really likes. The other about a football player. Then I got a book for him to do daily starting January 1st. Its a positive saying or quote book. Hopefully this will help at least he'd be reading something good once a day. That is my hopes.
I tried to make it festive for him too. I wrapped everything in tissue paper and tied bows. I am not even sure if this is allowed but I wanted him to have at least something to open during Christams week. I've sent two & three cards and letters a day the last two weeks trying to share the Christmas spirit with him and make sure he knows one thing- I LOVE & MISS HIM DEARLY.