Day started out better than average yesterday. I truly thought this could be the light at the end of the tunnel approaching. Then like a violent storm on a sunny day things changed. I feel like a pile of bricks were thrown at me ~ aimed right for my face. It was instant, I felt paralyzed by sadness! I did my usual form of dealing with adversity. I sobbed the entire afternoon and entire evening. I resorted to my old/comfortable habits that loom entirely too close to me. I really hoped and prayed my son would get to come home this year. After the news received yesterday I just don't think that is part of the plan anymore. I could be wrong but my heart keeps telling me otherwise. I wish I could understand just exactly what lesson it is I am suppose to be learning from this entire mess. I know I have to get a grip on the situation and take it for what it is. I tried to reach out to the most obvious person but that did not go so well either. You can continue to ignore while I continue to let go!
As a parent, I naturally want to take blame, try to make the pain easier for others to swallow and patch up the scars and damage that has been done. Maybe the lesson I am learning is I can't do all this alone. Maybe I can't do it at all. Maybe I am truly not the strong person people keep telling me I am. I keep feeling like someone/something has this enormous strength over me and they just keep pressing and pushing to see if I will burst. Tests that I am finding harder and harder to recover from. It's these set backs and tests that keep pushing me over the edge. It's getting harder and harder to just "deal" with on a daily basis. A big part of me wants to just become recluse and trap myself in my house until I am ready to move on. The other part of me continues to struggle with the fact I still have to be a wife. I still have to be a parent to Cameron. I still have to work. I still have to wake up everyday and do my best to make things better. Where is that damn easy button when you need it?
I was told yesterday to keep faith. Really? Please~ someone tell me just how the heck I am suppose to rely on that?!? I think that is just people's way of saying something they think makes you feel better. It's almost funny to me that people want to tell me how to be or what to do when not a one of them have been in my shoes or have a clue as to my pain. I'M ANGRY! I'M HURT! I'M LOST! I'M UPSET! I FEEL BETRAYED! I WANT TO SCREAM! I FEEL PUNISHED ENOUGH! I FEEL MIXED EMOTIONS THAT EVEN I AM UNABLE TO EXPRESS!!!!! I'm trapped and I am having trouble in more than one area of my life. So forgive me now if your toes got stepped on or I said something you did not like. Do I want you to feel sorry for me? NO! Do I think there is anything anyone else can do about it? NO! Maybe, just maybe, if I turned to you in my time of need then maybe I just needed a shoulder to cry on or some form of comfort for my release. I dang sure don't need a lecture or be told how I should feel. Let me tell you that does not help AT ALL. I also heard tomorrow is a new day. Well here it is Thursday and I'm just as hurt and depressed as I was yesterday.
I'll find my way out of this eventually................
Thursday, January 14, 2010
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You should listen to the song "held" by natalie grant (I think). Really listen to the words. It sounds like what you're going through. When people say have faith, they really mean, don't give up on God. Stand firm despite the raging storm because it will feel like a million rainbows once the storm passes. I'm so sorry you are facing so much turmoil! We had a crazy hard year last year, too. It's not pleasant when it's all hitting you. My verse that I held onto last year was this:
ReplyDelete"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face tirals of many kinds, because you know that testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4
Of course, I love the whole book of James (it's only 4 chapters)! God doesn't send necessarily send the trials, but He does use them for good if we allow it. On the other hand, you are welcome to crabby days when you want to tell us all to stuff it! Your true friends will see past it and keep reaching out in support!
Thank you for the kind words Joyce. Very sweet of you to think of me. I will go look for that song now. Thanks again!
ReplyDeleteAndrea
Although I don't know the situation in your life Andrea I can tell that you have been hurting. I have never told anyone to have faith or I understand. I simply tell people that you have every right to feel the way you do. Simple of as that. I just merely suggest to people to hold on. What I mean by that is just hold on for one more day. I think that was a song when were growing up. Anyhow, Charlie Chaplin said, "Nothing is permanent in this wicked world - not even our troubles." I know it seems like when we are in the storm that the sun will never rise again, but it will. Wish I had some more words of wisdom but I don't. Just hold on girl!
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